Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Parrot...

A lady passed by a pet shop.
"Hey, you!"
The lady looked at the direction of the voice and saw a parrot.
You're ugly! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly", said the parrot. The lady ignored it. The next day, the lady passed the shop once more.
"Hey, it's you again! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!", said the parrot. The lady ignored it once again. The following day he passed the shop again.
"Aha! Hey! It's the ugly woman again! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!", said the parrot. The lady, this time, could not take it and spoke to the shop owner.
"If your parrot would say the word ugly to me once more, i'm gonna file libel charges against you and your parrot for demeaning me!", the lady banged the door and left the shop. The next day, she passed the shop once more.
"Hey!", said the parrot. The lady turned his furious eyes at the parrot. The shop owner, scared, looked at his parrot. This time the parrot stopped talking. The lady smiled and provoked the parrot.
"Hey, what, bird?!", she exclaimed.
"Haha! You know!", said the parrot.

Monday, October 20, 2008

For All Smart Women!

The Silent Treatment..

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider..

W O R D S..

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..


Friday, October 17, 2008

cleaning bill!

On my travels a few years ago in a nasty hotel in a nasty unfriendly country, Johnny foreigner poisoned me with some deadly prawns. I remember crawling along the floor of my room covered in my own liquid shite, from the bed (also covered in gallons of liquid shite) and trying to get to the toilet (already filled with liquid shite as the water was turned off for 6 hours every day). Now when I hear the name of the city I can think of only one thing, can you guess what it is? .
Did I mention that I was also being sick at the same time ? Well I was. Death started to look attractive before I went into hospital and later got a 200 quid cleaning bill for my shite covered hotel room. Still haven't paid it...